How the Ruler Archetype Shapes Emotional Safety and Relationships
You can have financial stability, a successful career, and a life that looks beautifully put-together from the outside…and still feel like everything rests on your shoulders.
For many people, especially those who are high earners, have inherited wealth, or grown up determined to create a different future for themselves, there’s a quiet pressure that sits beneath the surface. It’s a constant vigilance and a sense that the moment you stop holding it all together, something might slip.
Welcome to the Ruler archetype – it lives in the space where control becomes protection, and protection becomes a way of coping.
The Ruler can be a slippery one because it’s not always obvious and shows up subtly in day-to-day moments we don’t think to question.
Could this be you?
Let me introduce you to someone – a fictional avatar of many stories I’ve seen in clients I’ve worked with over the years.
This person is successful, generous, diligent, and always organised. You know, the one who remembers the birthdays, plans the holidays, manages the household, handles the investments, and fixes what needs to be fixed before anyone else even notices.
They grew up with emotional, financial, and/or relational unpredictability. Perhaps it was a parent who drank, or a childhood filled with arguments, power struggles, or instability. Or simply a childhood environment where they had to become responsible far too early.
And so, understandably, they learned: “If I stay in control, I stay safe.”
This learning created a belief that shaped everything.
As an adult they were generous at Christmas and birthdays (sometimes extravagantly so) and yet underneath, there was a quiet hope to finally be seen, appreciated, and valued.
They made decisions quickly and firmly because stepping back felt risky, and they carried the financial load, often without sharing the emotional cost they felt.
And when loved ones made mistakes, handled money badly, or just needed more time for decision making, they felt a wave of frustration, and sometimes even anger. Not because they wanted power but because losing control felt like losing emotional safety.
Ask yourself…
Where do you find yourself taking charge because letting go feels uncomfortable, or even unsafe?
Over time as we worked together, this fictional client began noticing something important: their desire to protect and organise the world around them was coming from the same wounds they’d carried since childhood.
And this is where the Ruler archetype quietly reveals itself.
When control feels like love
The Ruler isn’t born from arrogance – it’s born from experience.
From being the child who had to be strong too soon, to the teenager who couldn’t rely on anyone else, and then the adult who believed that stability comes from self-reliance, not trust.
The Ruler archetype often shows up through behaviours like:
Leading, organising, and taking responsibility for everyone – especially when it feels easier than depending on others
Using money to create order, structure, or emotional safety – spending to impress, giving gifts with unspoken expectations, and managing every detail
Feeling angry, critical, or frustrated when others don’t meet the same standards – not because you’re “demanding” but because unpredictability feels threatening
Burnout from carrying the mental and emotional load alone – because sharing power or responsibility feels risky
Believing “I earn the money, so I call the shots” – even if you’d never say it out loud
These behaviours are deeply human, and all come from the same place: a longing for emotional safety. And the truth is, many high-achieving women and men live inside this pattern without realising it.
To the extreme end, when unchecked these patterns can lead to breakdowns in communication and ultimately the ending of a relationship or marriage. Because, when one person is calling all the shots and controlling every aspect of the finances, the hard truth is this is classed as financial abuse, which is usually only acknowledged as such once the relationship has ended.
Where the pattern begins – your Money DNA
When we’re young, we absorb everything around us (behaviours, beliefs, expectations) long before we understand what they mean.
I call this Money DNA, and it shapes the way we relate to money, love, trust, and self-worth throughout our lives.
If you grew up in a home where you felt:
- Unseen
- Unprotected
- Responsible for others
- Criticised or judged
- Praised for being “good”, “strong”, or “capable”
…then control may have become your way of surviving.
Money becomes the place where these patterns play out because money feels like stability, choice, safety, and sometimes even love.
So let me ask you…
Are you still living by beliefs that were never truly yours?
When control becomes a golden cage
The Ruler archetype can be incredibly powerful, visionary, grounded, capable, resourceful, and can build extraordinary things. It can create immense stability for families, businesses, and communities.
However, when it becomes tied to fear or old emotional patterns, it can also create distance. Distance from partners, from children, from friends, and from the very people you love and want to protect.
Because control and connection don’t always coexist.
Consider…
Where might control be protecting you while also keeping you separate from the deeper connection you want?
And me too!
Before I discovered money coaching, my Ruler was calling all the shots in my life.
When my children were young, I would buy them the most expensive clothes, extravagant holidays, expensive schools, lavish parties – all the things I never had growing up.
And beneath that giving was a subtle expectation that they would be more responsible, more grateful, and more helpful.
It was a quiet pattern and one I didn’t see until I stopped and looked.
When I began unravelling this dynamic in my own life, I saw something important:
I wasn’t buying from generosity alone – I was buying from a feeling of shame and scarcity.
I was longing for order, acknowledgement, and emotional safety.
And when that landed for me, it changed everything, because awareness cannot help but open the door to transformation.
Healing the Ruler – a different kind of strength
The very first step for healing the Ruler isn’t letting go – it’s noticing.
Noticing where control is protecting you, where responsibility has become survival, and where love and safety have become tangled up in expectations.
From there the path becomes gentler, and you begin to…
- Create emotional safety from within, not through control
- Give without expecting anything in return
- Allow others to show up without managing them
- Share responsibility instead of holding it all
- Soften into trust, not perfectionism
And slowly you move from managing your life to living it – this is the moment the door to your golden cage begins to open.
I wonder…
What would freedom look like to you – not financial freedom, but emotional freedom?
Ready for a new way of being?
If you recognise yourself in any part of what I’ve shared, I want you to know you’re not alone, and nothing is “wrong” with you. You simply learned to stay safe the best way you could.
My invitation, if you’re ready, is to take my Money Quiz.
This is a fun introduction to all the money archetypes (including the Ruler), how they shape your money patterns, and what they mean for your relationships, choices, and emotional safety. Once you’ve taken the quiz, book a free discovery call and together we’ll explore your results in more detail.
